The Single Woman's 30 Day Challenge - Day 1.

Recently, a friend of mine sent me to a site of a blogger that had the 30 day challenge for a single woman. She challenged me to read over it and think about opening myself up to putting my feelings in word form and write about it. I won't post every day and I'll do this at my own pace, but it'll be my story and my words and some of it will be funny, some of it will reveal my raw emotion, so bear with me.

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Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

Granted, I've not been single for very long (less than a year) - but this IS the longest I've been non-attached since the age of 18. Happens when you get married young and the first part of your adult life you're attached to the person you think you're going to spend your life with.  I've not been asked this until recently and since then, I've been asking myself that question.  When you first get divorced, you feel this empowerment to "make yourself a better person".  Thinking that the next relationship that you'll encounter will be better, more fulfilling, because you've worked on yourself and think you are a better representation of yourself.  Maybe this is true - goodness knows that I've learned a great deal about myself in the last year or so.

But why am I single?   The answer I gave the person that asked was a brush off.  I told her that I'm awesome and I haven't found someone that is as awesome as me to date.  I'm not settling, blah blah blah. It's mostly my self-esteem boosters that I feel the need to repeat to myself over and over to make me feel like the kick-ass woman I want to become.  

But why am I single?   The truth is - I haven't had the opportunity to meet someone who's truly worth it. I've dated, thought I had connections with people only for it to fade out after a handful of dates. I've recently given up online dating (that can be a harsh self-esteem killer) and realize that sometimes it's really not me.  It's them.  I'm overlooking key points about that person that I have in mind for my future partner in order to try to make something work and date and have fun.  Granted, I'm not in the marriage mindset, I just want to meet someone, develop a deep friendship and let that lead into more.  With time, it might happen.

Until then, I'll keep telling people that the reason I'm single is because I am awesome at it!  Because the longer I am, the more I realize that this is true.

Coming out of the light

I usually write funny, sometimes irreverent things and I laugh at others or myself (mostly) when I write.  I have a journal that I haven't touched in a while and I sometimes think that no one really wants to read what's on my mind.  But - there are times, when I miss writing.  Writing the funny stories of my life or writing the pain that I'm in.  I miss having that outlet. Blogging seems like a really personal way to share my emotions, my fears, my goals, my life basically.  And sometimes, I need to do just that.  Tonight is one of those nights.

It's been a long time since I've done this.  Almost two years. So I'll start small.

The last year of my life has been one of those "hard knock" times that I wouldn't wish on anyone.  Granted, I've been very blessed with the people that have made it so much easier for me and realize that sometimes it just takes a friendly smile or random text to make my day.  Going through a divorce, I always heard people talk about "the first year".  I was told my emotions would be as uncontrollable as a menopausal woman.  I was told I would lose friends. I was told that I would drive myself crazy with self doubt and pity parties.

But you know what's something they didn't tell me?   They didn't tell me how strong I would feel to hold my ground when needed. They didn't tell me of those random acquaintances that would become close friends as they stepped up to the plate and were there when best friends were not. They didn't warn me of the joy I would feel to know that I am stronger than I ever was and can absolutely do this on my own.

So with all the negative has come A LOT of positive and for that, I am grateful.  I needed to put this down - because my life is awesome.  I'm free to be who I want to be and can write my own story now.  It's not "we" anymore.  It's "me" and it couldn't feel more freeing.

Sometimes I just cry...

My dog is sick.  She need these treatments where I basically stick a needle in her fur and pour water into it, making it a water hump.  When they told me about it, I figured it was easy enough. Except, I didn't remember my absolute fear of needles. And my dog's absolute fear of me holding a needle headed towards her body.

It didn't go well. At first, the hubby was really encouraging and giving me little pep talks but after several tries I heard him whispering in my dog's ear "Your momma is a pussy, Bella".  Yes, I heard him. He thinks he's sly...  but I digress. 

Yes, I'm a pussy. I hate needles. Enough that I have passed out more than once when getting my blood drawn. This doesn't bode well for Bella. I tried to tell her that this is for her own good, but it doesn't help when I'm crying because in my hand is this huge fucking needle that I'm supposed to pierce her skin with.

My husband just read this and started laughing.  He just wants to make sure that you all know that "it's not water... it's medicine".  Like I didn't know this... 

Oh, Bella...  I will let the vet people do all sorts of mean things to you, like poke you with needles, because I can't. Or I won't.  At this point, it's one and the same.

Cleaning - really?!

I have spent all weekend cleaning.  Yes, cleaning.  I've somehow developed this homemaker gene that I need to go away as soon as possible.  I told my friends that my house is now "mom can come visit" clean.  When I told Rob all that I had done, he asked "uhm.. are you feeling sick"?  

Which makes me wonder.  Am I really that bad at keeping my house in order? When my husband is wondering if I'm sick because I'm cleaning it makes me think that my priorities are very much in the right place. Like.. I don't really care what my house looks like because I'm always out, never home, which means I'm very much enjoying my life.   Or curled up in bed reading.   Or watching TV.  Or not paying attention to the mess in my house.  (which I totally blame the dogs for making... they throw these wild parties when I'm at work.. or out enjoying life).  

This is what's in my head right now...

• For those of you who see my FB account - you know my battle with a certain person over my "flip flops".   I think I'm winning it.  His problem is, he's a guy and very not fashion forward. I'm not saying that I am, but at least I know the difference between a flip flop and a wedge.  Or peep-toe shoes.   Apparently - if he can see my toes, they are flip flops.   Anyone know where to find some clear closed-toe shoes?!   If I didn't know better, I think he really just doesn't like toes. 

• One of my friends is taking a pole dancing aerobics class.  If my schedule weren't so hectic, I would totally just go to observe.  Yeah - what did you think I would say?  That's I would try it?!  The last time I got close to a pole was ... well, South Beach.   And I only remember bits and pieces of that night. 

• Looking for a job in this economy is not the best thing in the world.  But I'm trying.  Although, I probably shouldn't list this blog on my resume.  They might read that I tend to get drunk from time to time (to help out the police!) and might not find that "hire worthy".  Ok, scratch that.  I might also want to take off the paragraph that says "will work for nearly free".   And by nearly free I mean about 250K.  Hey, my wittiness comes with a price.  So does my horrible spelling from time to time. 

Nerdy Insomnia.

One of my best friends and I are kind of book nerds.  We truly are.  I love every minute of it, though. I love getting so caught up in a book that I lose myself to the pages and the stories and realize hours later that I've read halfway through the book.  And she's really good at recommending books that I would enjoy. 

With that said - I'm the dumbass that stays up until 2am on a work/school night reading because I cannot put the damn book down and then sits here at work trying to stay awake (after having slept only 4 hours) beating myself up for staying up so late.  This happens way too often. You think I would have learned by now. 

Coffee, Coke, and a 5 hour energy... here I come.   I might be puking in an hour or so.  Just a warning.

Life the last month. In three minutes or less. READ FAST!

Some days, my life really rocks.  And then other days, I'm scrubbing poop off the carpet.  Yep.  Two of my dogs have been sick.  Iris almost died and Bella, well - she apparently wasn't getting enough attention, with her sister almost dying and all, so she decided to fake illness and be rushed off to the vet also.  Ok, I kid - she really was sick, but if she's anything like her mother, a little melodrama is in her blood.  I always think I have some disease or another and Rob thinks that I need to buy stock in WebMD.  Which I don't get - because it's FREE... so how would I make any money off of it?! 

I know, I know, the Facebook guy is a billionaire but it's only because he sold his soul to the devil.  I haven't even seen the movie, but I know that's what happens.  The devil is played by Joe Pesci in that film, right?

Here's a recap of the last few weeks:

 - Iris developed poisoning of her organs, basically, and was at the vet for 5-6 days straight.  Bella then decided she wanted attention and she got sick.  Here's the problem (aside from them being really sick) - Iris takes her 6 pills just fine wrapped in peanut butter. She doesn't even chew the peanut butter to realize that I'm hiding these pills (that are so huge, I might as well be giving them to horses). Bella, being the melodramatic older child, bites me every time I try to give her pills.  Hers are tiny and yet, I have to, literally, hold her down, force open her mouth, stick the pill all the way in the back of her throat, hold her mouth closed for a minute, while I blow on her nose and massage her throat, watch her spit the pill back out and repeat this process about 6 times.  I'm not kidding.  This is a battle every twelve hours.  Did I mention that she's a strong fucking dog for being 8 lbs?! 

- I got really really drunk in the name of the law. Or something like that.  The Knox County Sheriff's department (and don't call them KPD, god forbid) was needing "volunteers" to get really drunk so that new cadet class could practice their field sobriety testing. So two of my friends (one of them being the one that volunteered me in the first place because she KNOWS me and realizes this was right up my alley) decided we should be test subjects.  The rules were simple:  Get to a 0.08 BAC.  I'm a rule breaker.  Or just incredibly intolerant of alcohol because I was "arrestable" at a 0.02.  I felt really bad for the cadets that were stuck with me.  First of, because one of them had no sense of humor (and well, my questions and jokes did not go over well with him AT ALL) and they introduced the other one as Jet Li (he was Asian) and I really thought that was his name for a minute and as I kept getting more drunk I forgot his REAL name and I think I called him Jet Li the entire time. I apologize to him.  I know he'll never read this, but I'm putting that out there.  He was kinda hot, but I could have been his mother. He was actually laughing with me.  Or at me.   I was officially plastered (couldn't stand up straight or walk, really) at a 0.051, which means I cannot follow the rules and will probably not be invited back. That - and I asked some of the cadets if I could see their stick.  And started giggling when instead of "stick" I said "penis".  I was drunk.  It was THEIR fault.  And as many of you know, I really love people when I'm drunk and I might have asked a few of them to marry me. I'm weak for men in uniform.  Yeah, they are NEVER asking me back. 

3. I made my first (of hopefully many) visits to the magical city.  When I say "magical city" you have no idea.  It's true.  I felt like I needed to be in a movie when we drove into Pineville, KY.   It was so small, you could probably mistake it for a movie set.  A movie of this quaint little town with southern belles roaming around in their big dresses and hats and parasols.  I felt like an out of place city girl (especially complaining about no cell phone service) but oh my. I think I'm in love with a town.  They have a town square and everything!  Their houses are literally over 100 years old.  I got to tour the mayor's house - which made me feel important.  Ok, I know the mayor of the town, being that I'm best friends with her daughter and "tour" is probably not the right word - but that sounds like I should get a key to this magical city. Mayor - are you reading this?  I really need a key to your city.  Next time I visit, I'm wearing a frilly dress, a big hat, and damn it - I will have a twirly parasol!

4. Said best friend had a baby.  I was adamant that I do not like babies, I do not like to hold babies, I do not like their squishy little faces, etc, etc.   I'm 31 years old and have never held a baby in my life. A newborn, anyway.  Yet, within 24 hours, this little girl had me eating out of her hand.  I'm in love.  Don't get crazy thinking that now I want to get pregnant and have a squishy faced baby (because I don't).  But this little girl melts my heart.  And she doesn't have a squishy face. So I'm not that scared anymore.

I've had a fantastically diverse month and that was only July.  Let's see what August has in store for me.  I have a bachelorette party to attend and preparations to get ready for college football season.  Cannot wait to see how much trouble I can get into!