Monday, August 1, 2011

Life the last month. In three minutes or less. READ FAST!

Some days, my life really rocks.  And then other days, I'm scrubbing poop off the carpet.  Yep.  Two of my dogs have been sick.  Iris almost died and Bella, well - she apparently wasn't getting enough attention, with her sister almost dying and all, so she decided to fake illness and be rushed off to the vet also.  Ok, I kid - she really was sick, but if she's anything like her mother, a little melodrama is in her blood.  I always think I have some disease or another and Rob thinks that I need to buy stock in WebMD.  Which I don't get - because it's FREE... so how would I make any money off of it?! 

I know, I know, the Facebook guy is a billionaire but it's only because he sold his soul to the devil.  I haven't even seen the movie, but I know that's what happens.  The devil is played by Joe Pesci in that film, right?

Here's a recap of the last few weeks:

 - Iris developed poisoning of her organs, basically, and was at the vet for 5-6 days straight.  Bella then decided she wanted attention and she got sick.  Here's the problem (aside from them being really sick) - Iris takes her 6 pills just fine wrapped in peanut butter. She doesn't even chew the peanut butter to realize that I'm hiding these pills (that are so huge, I might as well be giving them to horses). Bella, being the melodramatic older child, bites me every time I try to give her pills.  Hers are tiny and yet, I have to, literally, hold her down, force open her mouth, stick the pill all the way in the back of her throat, hold her mouth closed for a minute, while I blow on her nose and massage her throat, watch her spit the pill back out and repeat this process about 6 times.  I'm not kidding.  This is a battle every twelve hours.  Did I mention that she's a strong fucking dog for being 8 lbs?! 

- I got really really drunk in the name of the law. Or something like that.  The Knox County Sheriff's department (and don't call them KPD, god forbid) was needing "volunteers" to get really drunk so that new cadet class could practice their field sobriety testing. So two of my friends (one of them being the one that volunteered me in the first place because she KNOWS me and realizes this was right up my alley) decided we should be test subjects.  The rules were simple:  Get to a 0.08 BAC.  I'm a rule breaker.  Or just incredibly intolerant of alcohol because I was "arrestable" at a 0.02.  I felt really bad for the cadets that were stuck with me.  First of, because one of them had no sense of humor (and well, my questions and jokes did not go over well with him AT ALL) and they introduced the other one as Jet Li (he was Asian) and I really thought that was his name for a minute and as I kept getting more drunk I forgot his REAL name and I think I called him Jet Li the entire time. I apologize to him.  I know he'll never read this, but I'm putting that out there.  He was kinda hot, but I could have been his mother. He was actually laughing with me.  Or at me.   I was officially plastered (couldn't stand up straight or walk, really) at a 0.051, which means I cannot follow the rules and will probably not be invited back. That - and I asked some of the cadets if I could see their stick.  And started giggling when instead of "stick" I said "penis".  I was drunk.  It was THEIR fault.  And as many of you know, I really love people when I'm drunk and I might have asked a few of them to marry me. I'm weak for men in uniform.  Yeah, they are NEVER asking me back. 

3. I made my first (of hopefully many) visits to the magical city.  When I say "magical city" you have no idea.  It's true.  I felt like I needed to be in a movie when we drove into Pineville, KY.   It was so small, you could probably mistake it for a movie set.  A movie of this quaint little town with southern belles roaming around in their big dresses and hats and parasols.  I felt like an out of place city girl (especially complaining about no cell phone service) but oh my. I think I'm in love with a town.  They have a town square and everything!  Their houses are literally over 100 years old.  I got to tour the mayor's house - which made me feel important.  Ok, I know the mayor of the town, being that I'm best friends with her daughter and "tour" is probably not the right word - but that sounds like I should get a key to this magical city. Mayor - are you reading this?  I really need a key to your city.  Next time I visit, I'm wearing a frilly dress, a big hat, and damn it - I will have a twirly parasol!

4. Said best friend had a baby.  I was adamant that I do not like babies, I do not like to hold babies, I do not like their squishy little faces, etc, etc.   I'm 31 years old and have never held a baby in my life. A newborn, anyway.  Yet, within 24 hours, this little girl had me eating out of her hand.  I'm in love.  Don't get crazy thinking that now I want to get pregnant and have a squishy faced baby (because I don't).  But this little girl melts my heart.  And she doesn't have a squishy face. So I'm not that scared anymore.

I've had a fantastically diverse month and that was only July.  Let's see what August has in store for me.  I have a bachelorette party to attend and preparations to get ready for college football season.  Cannot wait to see how much trouble I can get into!

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