The Single Woman's 30 Day Challenge - Day 1.

Recently, a friend of mine sent me to a site of a blogger that had the 30 day challenge for a single woman. She challenged me to read over it and think about opening myself up to putting my feelings in word form and write about it. I won't post every day and I'll do this at my own pace, but it'll be my story and my words and some of it will be funny, some of it will reveal my raw emotion, so bear with me.

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Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

Granted, I've not been single for very long (less than a year) - but this IS the longest I've been non-attached since the age of 18. Happens when you get married young and the first part of your adult life you're attached to the person you think you're going to spend your life with.  I've not been asked this until recently and since then, I've been asking myself that question.  When you first get divorced, you feel this empowerment to "make yourself a better person".  Thinking that the next relationship that you'll encounter will be better, more fulfilling, because you've worked on yourself and think you are a better representation of yourself.  Maybe this is true - goodness knows that I've learned a great deal about myself in the last year or so.

But why am I single?   The answer I gave the person that asked was a brush off.  I told her that I'm awesome and I haven't found someone that is as awesome as me to date.  I'm not settling, blah blah blah. It's mostly my self-esteem boosters that I feel the need to repeat to myself over and over to make me feel like the kick-ass woman I want to become.  

But why am I single?   The truth is - I haven't had the opportunity to meet someone who's truly worth it. I've dated, thought I had connections with people only for it to fade out after a handful of dates. I've recently given up online dating (that can be a harsh self-esteem killer) and realize that sometimes it's really not me.  It's them.  I'm overlooking key points about that person that I have in mind for my future partner in order to try to make something work and date and have fun.  Granted, I'm not in the marriage mindset, I just want to meet someone, develop a deep friendship and let that lead into more.  With time, it might happen.

Until then, I'll keep telling people that the reason I'm single is because I am awesome at it!  Because the longer I am, the more I realize that this is true.

Coming out of the light

I usually write funny, sometimes irreverent things and I laugh at others or myself (mostly) when I write.  I have a journal that I haven't touched in a while and I sometimes think that no one really wants to read what's on my mind.  But - there are times, when I miss writing.  Writing the funny stories of my life or writing the pain that I'm in.  I miss having that outlet. Blogging seems like a really personal way to share my emotions, my fears, my goals, my life basically.  And sometimes, I need to do just that.  Tonight is one of those nights.

It's been a long time since I've done this.  Almost two years. So I'll start small.

The last year of my life has been one of those "hard knock" times that I wouldn't wish on anyone.  Granted, I've been very blessed with the people that have made it so much easier for me and realize that sometimes it just takes a friendly smile or random text to make my day.  Going through a divorce, I always heard people talk about "the first year".  I was told my emotions would be as uncontrollable as a menopausal woman.  I was told I would lose friends. I was told that I would drive myself crazy with self doubt and pity parties.

But you know what's something they didn't tell me?   They didn't tell me how strong I would feel to hold my ground when needed. They didn't tell me of those random acquaintances that would become close friends as they stepped up to the plate and were there when best friends were not. They didn't warn me of the joy I would feel to know that I am stronger than I ever was and can absolutely do this on my own.

So with all the negative has come A LOT of positive and for that, I am grateful.  I needed to put this down - because my life is awesome.  I'm free to be who I want to be and can write my own story now.  It's not "we" anymore.  It's "me" and it couldn't feel more freeing.