Over the weekend - I was home alone, since Rob was working in Louisiana - my friends felt pity on me, so they invited me over to have burgers with them. My job was to bring the lettuce, tomato, onions (which now that I'm thinking about it, it might not have been that they felt sorry for me as much as they just didn't want to run out to the grocery store and thought "let see who we can invite so they can bring us stuff for burgers" but since my friend is like 10 months pregnant, I won't hold it against her. Much).
Anyway, I went to the grocery store and I thought I knew the difference between lettuce and cabbage, but it became clear that I might not. Now, I know I'm not a cook. I'm a damn baker and we never need cabbage or lettuce to bake cakes, unless you're making kind of a f*cked up cake, but I've never tried that so it's not like I buy whole lettuce and cabbage anyway, because they make things in bags now for salads. Which you can CLEARLY tell is lettuce because it says so right on the bag.
I walked up to what looked like lettuce and well, it had a sign that said "cabbage" on it. Looking around, there was no sign that said "lettuce" so I thought they might have just misplaced the sign. I grabbed a head of this lettuce/cabbage thing and walked around the grocery store holding it thinking to myself that I thought it was lettuce, but what if it wasn't? (When I was telling the story to my friend, she asked "why didn't you just ask someone what it was?" To which I replied "I didn't want to look like a dumbass that doesn't know the difference between lettuce or cabbage"). I was thinking that I better not show up to this grill out with a head of cabbage, because my friends are ruthless and I would never live it down (like the time that I was so drunk I fell face first on a four wheeler and couldn't remember anything so they told me I got a busted lip and swollen eye from a fight which was YEARS ago and they still bring it up). So, I walked back to the produce section and put the head of lettuce/cabbage down and decided to get "fancy" lettuce which is painted purple on the tips and in a stalk and way more expensive, but you can tell it's lettuce because it says so on the packaging.
At least I can tell what cauliflower looks like.
PS. Yesterday, I made up a song about my ordeal and when I was telling Rob about it, he was too busy being the hero of Baton Rouge to really care and might have said I was slightly retarded.